


Favorite Breed

by Ramadiii



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Roommates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-09-13 16:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9131638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramadiii/pseuds/Ramadiii
Summary: When Harper Davies wakes up in the middle of the night to a call about a fight she has no idea just how much this night will change her life.Aka The Soldier comes across someone with a savior of the world-complex.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This fic has been my lovely little pet for close to two years now so if you like it be sure to let me know and I'll keep the chapters coming!  
> Thanks for reading and don't forget to subscribe!

“Harper!”  
The brunette was pulled from her thoughts by the voice calling her name and she looked up to see a familiar face sitting not far ahead of her.  
“Hey Luke!” She smiled and with a little effort pulled the earphones out of her ears as she walked up to the man and his dog. “Hi, Elmo!” Harper put her grocery bags down and petted the dog practically bouncing around her. “How are you guys doing?”  
“Can't complain.” Luke shrugged. “The sun's been out all day and Elmo got a hot dog from some teenager so we're good.”  
Harper smiled at this admission. August was nearing its end but when the sun shone the fall-cold was bearable.  
“Are you gonna be okay tonight though? No sun at night.”  
She could see Luke's shoulders square at her question. She knew asking was a dumb thing to do but she needed to know.  
“I'll find us somewhere to sleep, don't worry.” He deflected and scratched Elmo behind the ear making the Golden Retriever-mix wag his tail even more than before.  
“I know you don't like the shelters but...”  
“No, no shelters.” Luke stiffed and glared up at her. “They won't let Elmo in.”  
Recognizing his name Elmo crawled into his master's lap and Harper was glad it made the man calm down. He might have been more stable than he had been when she'd first met him but his PTSD was still bad enough that she didn't want to risk sending him into an episode.  
“Elmo can stay with me for the night. And you know for a fact that you can too.”  
“Okay, let's get some things straight here. One: I can not spend a night without Elmo. Two: Elmo would drive you crazy if he spent a night without me. Three...don't interrupt me!”  
Harper closed her mouth and decided to let him finish.  
“Three: I'm taking advantage of you enough as it is. I won't hog your couch too.”  
“You're not taking advantage of me, Luke, I'm more than happy to help. And I have a guest bedroom. Oh, and speaking of helping!”  
She dug into one of her grocery bags and pulled out a small packet of dog food, four protein bars, a big bottle of water and a new pack of thermal sock.  
“It's not much but I'll get you some real food whenever I can get around to cooking some.”  
Luke looked down at the items now in his hands and Harper tried not to notice the tear slipping down his face.  
“H-Harper, I can't...”  
“Yes, you can. You need them more than I do anyways.”  
“That's because you keep buying things you have no use for, girly.” Luke chuckled tiredly and Harper felt the heat rise to her cheeks.  
“A girl never knows when she's gonna need thermal socks.” She countered.  
“And the dog food? What's your excuse for buying that?”  
“Maybe I got a dog.” She tried to make it a statement but it came out more of a question.  
“You wouldn't get a dog. You're too much of a loner to appreciate the company.”  
“It's almost scary how well you know me, Luke.”  
“Well, considering you only ever leave your apartment to grocery shop and to look out for me it's not a difficult deduction.”  
“You and about five other people in this neighborhood, but yes you're correct in your deduction.” She grinned and was thrilled to see a full-blown smile on Luke's face in return. “Listen, I have to get going but you'll call if you need anything right?”  
“Yes, ma'am.” He saluted her making her giggle.  
“Promise.”  
“I promise, Harper.”  
“Good. Alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye Elmo!” She petted Elmo's head and gave Luke's shoulder a squeeze before picking up her bags, giving a half wave and rounded the corner to her apartment building.  
It took quite a balancing act to unlock the door with two full grocery bags in her arms but somehow she made it inside only dropping three tubes of toothpaste onto the floor.  
When she first moved into the neighborhood the cashiers at the supermarket would look at her funny when she bought 10 packs of toothpaste, band-aids, hand sanitizers, toothbrushes and protein bars every time she went shopping but after she'd explained she used them for care packages for the homeless she only ever received warm smiles at the register.  
Speaking of care-packages she needed to make new ones but her first priority was putting the ice cream in the freezer, the second to print out some articles for a client and maybe eat something before she could get to work on packing the bags. 

It was late when Harper finally got into bed.  
When she'd printed out the articles for her client she'd checked the job mail and found a job waiting for her. A fairly simple one so she'd figured it wouldn't take long but she'd been wrong. It turned out medieval torture methods were beyond fascinating and so she'd researched like a crazy woman until about a quarter to midnight.  
She'd just closed her eyes and begun drifting off to sleep when she was startled awake by Elmo's song playing on her phone.  
“Luke?” She asked, drowsily rubbing her eyes. “What's up?”  
“Sorry for waking you, kid.” Luke said. “But there's been a fight down on 24th street.”  
“Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, we're okay.”  
“Look, I'll call you back, okay?” She hung up and hit re-dial, not wanting him to waste his minutes.  
“What where you doing on 24th?” She asked when he picked up. “You know that's Old Walker's territory.”  
“Yeah, well no one's stupid enough to start something that close to Old Walker, figured it was safe to spend the night.”  
Harper covered the speaker and sighed in frustration, obviously it wasn't safe or he wouldn't have called her about a fight.  
“What happened?”  
“Some new guy just walked in and made himself comfortable right next to Walker's spot.”  
She cringed at the mere thought of Walker when he's noticed.  
“He's dead, isn't he? You have to call the cops, Luke. I can't help you with a corpse.” She sighed, sleep sounded really good right about now.  
“That's the thing though.” Luke said. “He's alive.”  
It took Harper a second to fully understand the meaning of his words.  
“What? How?”  
“I have no idea but he managed to rough Walker up pretty bad, he might need a hospital.”  
To say that Harper was shocked was an understatement.  
Of all the people she'd met on the street Old Walker was by far the one person she felt the least safe around. Rumor had it he'd been in prison for killing his brother and he ruled 24th street with an iron fist.  
Whenever she went handing out supplies Luke always insisted he and Elmo join her for her visit to that particular street. She was eternally grateful for this.  
“How's the other guy?” She asked as she rolled out of bed to pull on a pair of jeans.  
“Not sure, haven't wanted to look for him.”  
Harper pulled on a T-shirt and zipped up a hoodie before she answered him.  
“Okay, I'll be there in ten. Alright?” She grabbed her bag and headed to the bathroom.  
“Alright.”  
They ended the call and Harper shoved a bottle of disinfectant, plasters, wipes, compresses, cotton wads and some gauze into the bag and went to the kitchen to grab a couple of care-packages too. She didn't know who this new guy was but he could have been on the streets for a while and Harper always did her best not to judge and to help as many as she could.  
Before heading out she made sure her steel baton was in the bag and her wallet still in the jacket pocket. 

“You thought it was safe, huh?” She bluntly asked when she got off the bus.  
“Hey, I'm not the one who's hurt, am I?” The former military countered as he showed her the way.  
“Thankfully.” She muttered under her breath and had to bite her lip to stop herself from remarking that if he'd spent the night at her place this never would have happened. His pride would be his downfall but even though it was hard she accepted his decision. 

“There he is.” Luke pointed but even if he hadn't no one could have missed Old Walker where he sat on the curb outside Anthony's Bakery, beaten to a pulp.  
In spite of his name Old Walker wasn't particularly old. He was old in the game, sure but he probably wasn't older than 50. His height and burly body worked wonders when it came to intimidating people and if all else failed his eyes held a certain coldness in them that made Harper wish she'd never left her apartment.  
She had half a mind to hide behind Luke and throw the bag with the supplies at the man and run for her life but she could see he really was injured and swallowed her fear to approach him.  
“Walker?” She said his name the way she'd been raised to, with a precise mixture of authority and gentleness.  
The older man's head snapped up and although she fought the instinct to flinch she still cringed at the look in his eyes.  
“What the hell do you want?”  
The words were gruff and his tone was angry and exhausted. Realizing she was standing too far from him to properly assess his injuries she took a deliberate step forward. His eyes followed her every move and Harper felt like she approached a wounded bull. The analogy wasn't too far off.  
“You're bleeding.” She offered. “I've brought some things to patch you up with.”  
His eyes said everything his lips didn't. That it was none of her business, she didn't belong, she only did what she did to feel better about herself and to feel like some sort of saint when she was nothing but a nuisance. Things she'd heard so many times by now.  
She managed to get a good enough look at his injuries to know he'd been lucky to get out of the fight alive. The cuts were deep and there was blood everywhere but nothing appeared to be broken. She was a little worried he might have a concussion but he didn't seem to care. Old Walker lived by the words 'if you die you die. No need to make a scene about it.'.  
She gave him two bags of supplies, hoping that it bought her a few weeks until she had to visit him again.  
The whole time Luke had been standing her, ready to step in if Walker tried to hurt her even if he was as nervous around the man as she was. When she was finally ready he'd grabbed a hold of her hand and more or less sprinted as far away as he could, completely forgetting about Harper's need to save the world.  
“Do you know where the other guy went?” She asked as they rounded the street corner.  
“I don't know.” He offered, hoping for her to drop the subject. He was terrified of Walker and any man who could do that to him needed to stay as far away from Luke and his friends as possible. Unfortunately Harper didn't share this opinion.  
“Look, I'm already up and about at 1 am, I'm not going home until I check on this new guy.”  
She knew it was stupid but she needed to know the people in her neighborhood and anyone brave or new enough to disturb the food chain in it.  
Luke considered throwing her over his shoulder and get her home but he knew about her baton and dismissed the idea as soon as it came up. He quite liked his bones to remain whole thank you very much.  
“Harper, anyone able to deal enough damage for Walker to give up his spot probably doesn't need a visit from Mother Teresa nor a welcoming committee.”  
“I'm not Catholic, Luke.”  
“You know what I mean.”  
“Actually I don't.” She said sternly. “Please tell me why you're so against this.”  
Luke stopped to look at her, she was on the defense and he knew from experience he had to choose his next words carefully if he didn't want her to retreat into her shell.  
“Because if you go I will go with you.” He sighed, deciding to just be honest with her. “From what I saw he's a big, dangerous guy, if he gets violent I may not be able to keep you safe.”  
“Nobody's asked you to keep me safe, Luke.” She softened and reached up to squeeze his shoulder.  
“I know. But you're one of the few friends I have left and friends protect each other.”  
Harper felt him tense up but before he could slip too far into his memories she spoke again.  
“At ease, soldier.” He carried out her firm command on instinct, his body relaxing before his mind could even catch up and it took him a few moments to escape the images of his fallen comrades. “I won't ask you to stick around, nor do I expect you to enjoy my decision but I hope you will respect it. I'm going to find him tonight.”  
“And if he gets violent?”  
His question sent a chill down her spine.  
“I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.”  
He looked at her, both admiring and hating how she could think of little of the possible consequences of her actions.


	2. Chapter 2

“Come on in.” She said entering the apartment, the man trailing behind her at a safe distance. “Close the door, will you?” She kicked off her sneakers and wiped the rain from her brow, she didn't ask him to lock the door behind him. The last thing she wanted was for him to feel trapped, having been around PTSD her whole life she knew it was a possible trigger. Everyone's trauma was different but locking someone in was more often than not enough to send someone into an episode or a flashback and she wanted to avoid that at all costs.  
When he didn't react Harper wondered if maybe he hadn't heard her but as soon as she turned to look at him he did what she asked.  
“Let's have a look at that arm, shall we?” The man stiffened and his eyes took on a look similar to that of a caged animal but nevertheless nodded and followed her into the bathroom.  
“Have a seat.” She gestured vaguely around the room and after a moment of hesitation he closed the lid to the toilet and sat down on it.  
She glanced at him in the mirror as she fetched disinfectant and bandages. He looked so out of place sitting in her bathroom fully dressed, scruffy and dirty and looking like he expected someone to bust into the room and shot him.  
Kneeling in front of him she barely managed to stop herself from rolling up his right sleeve. He had gone out of his way not to touch her and she knew that physical contact, although sometimes efficient, was not the answer to get him to trust her. Worst case scenario the only thing she'd accomplish by initiating physical contact was getting herself killed.  
“Wanna roll up your sleeve for me?” She was well aware she only asked him rhetorical questions but had a feeling asking him was better than telling him to do something.  
If possible he stiffened even more as he did what she asked but then again it could have been because of the pain.  
The gash was fairly deep, thankfully no bone was showing, and it was surprisingly enough not a lot of blood, something Harper was grateful for. Bleeding arms and hands were still able to make her squeamish after her accident at 14 years old.  
“You really should just go to the hospital with this.” Harper winced, looking up at him. “I can't promise you it'll heal properly if I do this.”  
“I don't care.” The cold voice along with the emotionless look he gave her told her she might want to shut up now and knowing how to take a hint she did just that and started working on the injury.  
Mind you, she was no nurse, didn't have any hands on experience apart from cleaning and patching up injuries on the street from time to time but she still did her best to be gentle as she cleaned the cut. Whenever she needed to better her angle she'd look up at him, not to speak but to warn him that she was about to move. He seemed very confused at this as if he couldn't comprehend why she would do that and even though he still tensed whenever she moved a little too quickly he didn't say anything.  
Other than the occasional apology when her touch got a little too rough the rest of the cleaning and bandaging was done in silence. She'd tried to be as gentle as she possibly could but he'd never once relaxed, not even when she was done did he ease up.  
Having recognized the tell-tale signs of PTSD when she'd met him last month she made sure to get up slowly and without any sudden movements put the equipment back into the cupboard.  
“There, all done.” She covered the bandage with plastic and turned to him with a smile even though she knew he wouldn't meet her eye. “I'm gonna get something to eat, care to join me?”  
It would have surprised her if he'd responded at all and as expected he didn't even so much as blink as she exited the bathroom, she was hungry and waiting for his response could have taken all night if that. 

She was well aware she entered the kitchen alone and for a moment she wondered if she'd bitten off more than she could chew with this guy. He was worse off than any other person she'd let into her apartment, she'd thought Luke had been bad but he might just turn out to be a cakewalk in comparison.  
As per usual she didn't have much in the line of food at home but she did have enough supplies to make pancakes. About halfway through the batch Harper started to wonder if the man had either died or jumped out the bathroom window but just when she was starting to worry if he really had he appeared, standing in the doorway that separated the hallway from the kitchen, his eyes flitting to the front door as if calculating his escape.  
“You don't have to stay for dinner, you know.” Harper said turning back to her pancakes, not wanting to make him more agitated than he already was. “You're free to leave any time you want, I just though you might be hungry for some warm food.”  
Again she was met with only silence but shoved a big stack of pancakes onto a plate anyways and placed it on the counter closest to him. If he didn't eat them she would just give them to Luke tomorrow. The only thing that made her aware he'd moved was the clank of the plate when he picked it up and although the breaking silence startled her it was with a smile on her lips when she shoved a pancake onto her own plate.  
She sat on the counter and ate her dinner in silence, making a show of not looking at him. She heard the sound of him all but attacking his food but she couldn't blame him. Real food wasn't commonplace out there and it was with a warm feeling in her chest she remembered Luke's face the first time she'd brought him and Elmo proper meals.  
She picked off pieces of her pancake with her fingers and ate it slowly having not really been hungry in the first place. She wasn't the best eater, in fact her eating habits were all over the place. She didn't like to eat when she worked, she didn't like heavier foods, she didn't like to eat early in the morning and she didn't like to eat late at night. She wasn't a picky eater but she just didn't need to eat very often. More than a couple of times growing up her family had been worried she wasn't eating enough and that she was too skinny but she was always healthy when she went for doctor check-ups. Sure, she was skinny but being just a little over 5 foot 4 she was pretty tiny all together and not underweight so she didn't sweat it too much.  
The plate being set down beside her made her jerk, she hadn't even heard him approach. Looking up she found him eyeing her from the other side of the counter. The distance between them wasn't as big as before and Harper figured if he was allowed to eye him she was allowed to do the same to him.  
He was still wearing the baseball cap over his long, dirty hair and he used it expertly to shield most of his face from her as she assumed he kept looking her over. 

She wasn't sure if she was supposed to say something. The silence, albeit uncomfortable for her, seemed to be providing him with a more relaxed air. He was still tense, no doubt about it but he seemed less likely to jump out of a window should she sneeze.  
Harper was about to open her mouth to say something but looking up she found her voice temporarily lost. A pair of blue eyes was staring straight into hers and she couldn't remember having ever seen so many emotions at the same time before. Anger, hurt, sadness and confusion all mixed into one and she swallowed the lump forming in her throat, feeling overwhelmed by what she'd seen.  
“Thank you for the food.” He broke the silence but not the eye contact and Harper had to clear her throat before she could respond properly.  
“You're welcome.”  
He made a move towards the door and before Harper could react the next words came flying out of her mouth.  
“Do you have a dry place to stay tonight?”  
He turned back around, this time the cap covered his eyes and the frustration grew in Harper. She'd felt so overwhelmed looking into his eyes but she preferred that to only seeing his mouth and scruffy beard.  
“With that kind of injury you really shouldn't be out in the rainstorm.” She continued when he didn't give an answer. “You can stay here for the night. I have a spare bedroom and I can promise you it'll be a lot more comfortable than any place you can find to sleep this late.”  
He tensed at her words and for the briefest of moments Harper hated herself for not thinking harder before suggesting it. He was worse off than anyone she'd ever allowed entry to her home and now she was offering him the spare bedroom. Someday she might learn to think of the consequences of her actions but today was obviously not that day.  
“Look, there's no way I can force you to stay and I wouldn't try to.” She said softly, hoping it might make him at least a little less tense. “But you'll be a lot safer here than you are out there.”  
This seemed to make an imprint on him because he looked up at her as if clinging to the words.  
“Like I said, you can leave anytime you want. I just don't want you to get more hurt than you already are.”  
His blue eyes drew her in, staring into her very soul. Desperately searching for what she assumed to be hidden motives or ill-meaning. He obviously didn't trust easily and she wondered if some part of him was desperately yearning for a way to trust her, to trust anyone at all and she wanted to squeal in happiness when he after some more soul-searching finally nodded his head. 

Even though she'd hoped he would accept her offer to stay the night Harper still wasn't prepared for the surge of joy when he really did. She was so excited she barely knew where to start.  
"Great, so what do you wanna do first?"  
He stared at her like she had just quizzed him on the monarchy of Spain and she realized he didn't know what his options were.  
"Um, you could take a shower, change into some clean clothes, read a book, relax or just go to bed. Anything you wanna do basically."  
Knowing his options didn’t seem to help much and she wondered if maybe he was as overwhelmed by her about his decision to stay. He looked deep in thought yet still clear enough that he would react immediately if something was to happen.  
She felt the restlessness settle at the base of her throat but expertedly pushed it away until she was once again calm and patient, the last thing he needed was for her to stress him.  
Several minutes passed without a word but Harper took it as an opportunity to clear her mind, she usually did yoga or meditated at this time anyway so she didn’t mind terribly.  
“Shower.” He said suddenly making her slip back to the present.  
“All right, you know where the bathroom is. You can use anything you want; shampoo, soap, body wash, razor, everything is at your disposal. There’s a big towel hanging by the shower so feel free to use that and I’m gonna lay out some clean clothes for you.”  
She tried to cover everything he should know, including how he should try not to get the bandage too wet, without seeming too forward. She doubted he would ask even if he missed something but she still tried to make sure he wouldn’t have to.  
Having fetched some clothes she’d bought for Luke should he ever take her up on her offer to stay she handed them to the man.  
“You can get dressed in the bathroom and feel free to lock the door if you want. I’m gonna be in my office to finish up some work so you can take your time and knock if you need anything.”  
She watched him nod and walked into her cave of organized chaos. It hadn’t taken her long to realize he never turned his back to her so she didn’t wait for him to leave first, if he felt so sure she might hurt him she would prove him wrong. Despite her awful singing voice she started humming, taking a hint from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, so he could hear where she was. Maybe he didn’t care but she felt better knowing he would be able to locate her easily if he needed.  
The sound of the shower running made her relax and enabled her to put her mind to work. She wanted to finish up this last job for the day while she still had the chance. Scandinavian architecture was not thrilling enough to distract her from the stranger currently in her shower. She worked on autopilot, searching and skimming abstracts and search terms until she had several good sources and attached them to an email along with the bill and all the necessary information.  
She was typing in the address when she heard the shower stop and an air of awkwardness settled around her as she failed to hit ‘send’.  
The realization of what she had done settled in and she had half a mind to call Adam and ask to spend the night at his place. She wasn’t sure if it was her common sense that stopped her or the fact that she knew Adam had a charity-thing and wasn’t available to her tonight.

She hated feeling like this, doubting herself and wanting to hide until it went away. The lock on the bathroom door clicked open and the nervousness rose like bile in her throat but she nevertheless slipped the mask of happy-go-lucky Harper onto her face and sent the email to her client before shutting off the computer along with her thoughts. If she survived the night she could have a full freak out tomorrow, heck she’d even let Luke yell at her for being a thoughtless idiot for good measure.  
If only she could have heard the soft padding of bare feet against the floor she would have felt a little better, would have brought a little normality to the whole situation but he remained as silent as a ghost and although she knew he’d left the bathroom she was still shocked to see him standing in the doorway when she turned around, just watching her in silence.  
Now that he was cleaner, his hair hanging damply into his eyes and dressed in a pair of jeans and a long sleeved v-neck he looked a little less frightening. The bottom half of his face was still covered in stubble so he hadn’t shaved but he seemed somewhat lighter at heart and Harper had to admit it was a good look for him.  
She chose to ignore the fact that he was still wearing a glove on his left hand, after all it didn’t matter. People liked to wear things that didn’t make sense to others, Harper for instance didn’t like to wear matching socks so who was she to judge?  
“Are you still hungry?” She asked not knowing what else to say. “There are some more pancakes if you want or you could go to bed if you’re tired.”  
Without his cap hiding his eyes she could see him trying to take all of her in while she spoke and she tried not to feel uncomfortable, after all he didn’t know her and he couldn’t be sure to trust her until he figured her out.  
His lack of response was expected and she felt herself starting to take his silences as ‘don’t know’ so she continued.  
“Well, I was thinking about making a cup of tea and watch a movie if you want to join me.” She said, getting up from her office chair. He swayed back slightly as if she’d gotten too close but only took a step back to let her pass so maybe he just hadn’t expected her to move so soon.  
She asked him if he wanted tea, received a shake of the head and went on to make a cup for herself. She would have liked coffee but knew she’d have trouble sleeping if she had it this late so opted for tea instead.  
Setting her cup down on the coffee table she started up the TV and looked through Netflix for anything PTSD-friendly, it was never an easy thing to do but in the end she settled on Julie & Julia and curled up in her favorite corner of the couch with a blanket.  
She could sense more than see the man still standing by the doorway to the office and decided that anything was better than him standing about.  
“Sit anywhere you’d like and make yourself comfortable.”  
Somehow she doubted he knew how to but he did what she suggested and sat down in the armchair furthest from her.  
For the first 20 minutes he kept a closer eye on her than the movie but seemed to realize she had no intention of moving because he actually seemed to pay attention to the plot after that. 

About halfway through the movie Harper came to the conclusion she hated watching movies alone, or in this case with people she didn’t know and seemed to abhor physical contact. Damn Adam for snuggling up to her whenever they watched a movie, she needed to tread her fingers through someone’s hair and a hand stroking her neck ASAP!  
In spite of herself she snuck a glance at the hand of the man across from her, it looked strong and in its relaxed state almost soft. She choked down the need to touch it and instead she brought her own fingers to trace the scars littering her left hand and arm.  
The touch sent a chill through her body and the image of a speeding car flashed before her eyes before she could stop it. She fought against the need to pull away and pushed herself to explore the shapes across her skin.  
The hand twitched as her fingers brushed across the big oddly shaped scar on her little finger and despite her best efforts the twitch turned into spasms.  
The lack of control over her hand made tears form in her eyes but she forced herself to calm down and focus on relaxing her arm. A couple of deep breaths later her hand was once again still and it wasn’t until this that Harper became aware that her guest’s attention had turned from the TV to her.  
His gaze was steady, looking from her hand to her face and to her hand again, the look on his face something between indifference and worry.  
“Sorry, did I bother you?” She said, fighting the urge to slide her hand under the blanket and forget it ever existed. “I’ll try to be quiet.”  
The way he kept looking at her made it seem like he didn’t care about being disturbed but probably sensed she was not about to explain what had happened because he went back to the movie without saying anything. Maybe he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, maybe he didn’t care but either way Harper was grateful, she just didn’t have the energy to explain tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

Harper woke up early the next morning. It hadn’t been the best night of sleep she’d ever had but it had turned out better than she’d thought it would. It was a little after 6 o’clock but she saw no reason to stay in bed, after all she was never able to go back to sleep once she woke up. Rolling out of the bed she put on a pair of sweatpants and pulled a cardigan over the tank top she'd slept in and padded out into the kitchen to get the coffee started.  
While the coffee machine did its magic she got her 'kiss the librarian'-mug out and went to get her Ipad from the office. She didn't like working this early in the morning but she could at least check her workmail and plan her day from that. She even considered sending a text to Adam telling him she was in dire need of Chinese takeout and a good fucking tonight but decided it was a message to be sent post-coffee so she reigned herself in as she made herself comfortable on the couch with her magical brew and opened her email.  
She was on her second cup of coffee and about 2/3s through the job planning when she heard it. A soft whimper coming from her spare bedroom. At first it was so small she thought it might just be nothing but when whimpers grew into crying and sobbing she dropped everything on the table and rushed to his door.  
Once outside it she took a moment to focus her breathing, entering that uncompromising calm before she opened the door. The sadness tugged at her heartstrings at the sight before her.  
He was laying on the bed, twisted into his sheets, sweating, shouting and sobbing as he fought the dangers in his dreams. The sunlight blinded her as it was reflected off of the metal where his left arm should have been. Even in this situation she was both intrigued and frightened by the cold look of it against the fleshy seam where it connected to his body.  
As much as her instincts told her to run to his side, embrace him and just make him snap out of it she lingered in the doorway. She'd tried that method on her dad when she was 10 and it had ended with a split upper lip and a late night trip to the hospital where her mother had spent most of the night trying to explain that her husband was not abusing their daughter.  
Her mother's words after that incident ran like a mantra through her head:  
“Stay calm, don't touch, stay at a distance if possible, say his name, overwhelm his other senses.”  
Harper didn't know his name so she did the first thing she could think of to overwhelm his senses.  
She sang.  
Loud and proud she shrieked the national anthem and made a mental note of apologizing to her neighbors later for the noise.  
As expected the man on the bed jerked awake, struggling against his restraining sheets as his panicked eyes flashed around the room, having no idea where he was.  
“Hey, it's okay. You're okay, it was a dream.” She spoke softly, forcing her body to relax. “Do you remember where you are?” His eyes flickered around like a frightened animal and Harper took that as a 'no'.  
“My name is Harper Davies, you're in my apartment in Brooklyn, New York. I helped patch up an injury on your arm yesterday and you stayed the night because of a storm.”  
Even though still confused and frightened he seemed to recall most of what she told him because he soon got his breathing under control and his whole demeanor grew more relaxed.  
“Do you want some water?” She asked as she watched him remember to cover up his left arm, he seemed almost fearful at the prospect of her having seen it and she felt she understood where he came from. She wasn't ashamed of her many scars but people looked at her differently once they saw them and she could only guess he experienced that on a regular basis as well.  
She didn't get an answer but nevertheless walked out of the room to get him some water. She thought of using the water filter but had a feeling he wouldn't accept a glass so she grabbed a bottle instead.  
With the way he carried himself and the constant vigilance he couldn't be anything other than a soldier and to have a prosthetic like that he must have gone through some serious trauma so she couldn't be sure he wouldn't think she'd try to poison him which was why she decided on the bottle.  
This time when she entered the bedroom the man was out of bed, the v-neck covering his upperbody and just in the process of buttoning his jeans.  
“Here you go.” She took a chance and reached him the bottle, half expecting him to swat it out of her hand and throw her to the floor in a choke hold. Thankfully he just accepted the bottle and nodded his head in thanks. “I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready.”

He showed up in the kitchen a couple of minutes later. She noticed he wasn't wearing the glove on his prosthetic hand, obviously he didn't think it mattered now that she'd seen it.  
Harper wasn't sure if it was because he was exhausted or if he had started trusting her a little bit when he sat down on the other side of the kitchen island across from her. It was the closest they'd been since she fixed his arm and in fear of ruining whatever magic at play she reached him a cup of coffee and the pancakes left over from last night . He looked at her as if trying to get inside her head, to see just what he intentions were.  
“You should eat.” She said. “Those kinds of nightmares tend to use up a lot of energy.”  
“Why aren't you eating?” His voice was hoarse and something about it brought a chill down her spine.  
“I find it difficult to keep anything down this early in the morning.” She took a sip of her coffee. “But I can take a bite if you're worried I might poison you.”  
If she hadn't been so tired herself she would have thought the look that crossed his face at her comment was one of shame before he cut into, and started eating, a pancake.  
“You shouldn't have woken me up.” He said gruffly in between bites.  
Harper wanted to ask where this talkative streak came from but thought better of it.  
“I know.” She admitted instead and smiled when he met her eye. “But I've never been able to stand back and allow people to get hurt. And I learned fairly early on how to wake someone with PTSD without risking too much of my safety.”  
“'PTSD'?”  
“Yeah... Post traumatic stress disorder?” His face gave away his zero knowledge of what she was talking about. “Um, it used to be called 'shell shock' or 'irritable heart'. It's when you've experienced a trauma and your brain is kinda haunted by it, for lack of better terms.”  
“And you think I have that?”  
“It's pretty common in soldiers.”  
She noticed him tense up at her use of the word 'soldier' and worried he might close back up again but thankfully he didn't.  
“What makes you think I'm a soldier?”  
“With the way you fight and your constant hyper vigilance I just kind of assumed. That and I tend to have an eye for soldier-material.”  
The look he gave told her to explain and she didn't need to be told twice.  
“My dad's a Vietnam veteran so I spent a lot of time around soldiers growing up. My dad, along with some of his friends, has PTSD so I learned a lot about it and how to act around it. Like when I woke you up: I stayed away from the bed, didn't touch you and tried to snap you out of it with noise.”  
“Yeah, what was that?”  
“A siren call.” She grinned. “Well, more like sirens blaring; I was singing. Sorry about that by the way, I usually don't like to subject anyone to it but it did the trick with you.”  
The man managed what looked like the ghost of a smile before he stuffed his mouth full of pancakes again.  
The silence that followed was the most comfortable one so far Harper thought with a smile. If there was anything she loved it was progress and just getting him to open up enough to ask her questions and make conversation was huge.  
He still seemed lost in thought however, picking a little at the remaining bits of food on his plate.  
“Is there a cure?” He asked, his voice firm like he was trying to keep it from shaking.  
She sighed into her cup of cooling coffee, hating the question almost as much as she hated the less than satisfactory answer she was about to give him.  
“It's a disorder of the mind. You can never truly be free of it but with work you can get better than you are now.” She knew this offered very little solace and she could almost see him shrink back into his emotionless shell at her words. “I'm no expert, or even a professional when it comes to this but if you let me I can help you.”  
“How?”  
“The most important thing is stability. For you to be able to create a healthy routine and have a place where you feel safe. It's a bit tricky to manage that on the streets but it can be done. If you do have somewhere else to stay that would be preferable though.”  
A thought seemed to cross his mind because he frowned in that way he tended to whenever a thought popped into his head but whatever idea it was he looked to dismiss it quickly.  
“The next important step is to identify what triggers you, what makes you lose control or makes you have flashbacks so to speak. Triggers vary depending on the person but they can be certain types of surroundings, loud noises, touching, smells, feeling hungry or trapped, stuff like that. Once you've identified what can trigger you you can either avoid them or slowly work towards getting used to them, again feeling safe while you do this is really important.  
Then there are support groups for these things where you talk and share your struggles with others.”  
She took a good look at him and her heart broke seeing just how confused and overwhelmed he appeared.  
“Do you want me to help you?” She asked and his eyes snapped up to meet hers.  
“Why would you do that?”  
“I told you; I can't stand seeing people hurt and not do anything to help.”  
“Do you have a safe place to stay?” She asked after a moment of silence and it took a few more before he shook his head no.  
“Do you want to stay with me?” Luke was gonna kill her. “I have an extra bedroom and there's no doubt in my mind it would help your recovery.”  
He stared at like she'd lost her mind and a part of her couldn't help but think he was right.  
“I could hurt you.”  
“I know.”  
“I could kill you.”  
“I'm well aware. But I'm willing to take that risk if it means I'm helping you.”  
“You're crazy.” He breathed making Harper grin widely.  
“Possibly. So what do you say?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, pretties!  
> I'm so happy to see you guys dropping in to read this little pet project of mine, it means a lot!  
> Be sure to give kudos and follow if you liked this chapter and want to read more ;)  
> Ramadiii out!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, another chapter is officially up!  
> Thank you so much for all the kudos, it means a lot and a special thank you to GrantBuchanan for commenting on the last chapter, it made my day!  
> Now, off you pop! <3

 

 _“You're insane.”_    
“Nice talking to you too, Luke.” Harper balanced the phone between her shoulder and ear as she swiveled across the floor and over to the printer. “How is your day going?”   
_“Don't be cute, kid. You allowed that psycho into your apartment and let him stay, what's wrong with you?!”_ She could tell he was beyond furious and she moved the phone to her other ear with a sigh. A sleepless night, not enough caffeine and a hand that wouldn't cooperate combined with an angry Luke was beginning to give her a headache.   
“He's not a psycho, Luke. He's a traumatized soldier who most likely will end up killing someone if I don't help him.”    
_“And what if that someone is you? I can't lose you, kid. Not after everything we've been through.”_    
Harper's eyes grew blurry with tears and she tried to clear her throat of the lump beginning to form at his words.    
“You're not gonna lose me, soldier. I'll be right here until you don't need me anymore.”    
A chuckle on the other end made her smile.    
_“You know that day will never come, right?”_    
“A girl can dream. But seriously, Luke. I know what I'm doing.” She heard a sigh and knew Luke had given up on trying to convince her. For now. “How did you know about that anyway? It was only decided yesterday.”    
_“His stuff were gone and someone saw you two walk back to your apartment. I put two and two together.”_    
“I would have told you, you know that right?”    
_“Yeah, I know. I just wish you wouldn't have had to.”_    
“It's my life, Luke.” She heaved a tired sigh, walking out of the office to get another cup of coffee. “Now can we stop talking about this? I have a headache.”    
_“Fine but I will be checking in every now and then, make sure you're still breathing.”_    
“And I love you for it.”    
_“I love you too, kid. Almost as much as I love Elmo.”_    
“I'm one lucky girl.” She grinned hearing the dog bark in response to his name.    
_“Yes, you are.”_    
“Look, I gotta get back to work but I'll talk to you later. Rub Elmo's belly for me?”    
_“Always.”_  

She put the phone aside as she poured herself a cup of coffee. She'd had a sleepless night, tossing and turning wondering if she'd made the mistake of a lifetime offering him a place to stay. She hopped up on the counter and glanced at the closed bedroom door behind which her new roommate resided, holding her breath for a moment, trying to make out any sounds of distress.  

She hated the nightmares.  

More than the episodes and flashbacks if it was even possible. She was constantly on edge for as long as he slept, terrified she'd wake up to the sound of crying and screaming like she had her whole childhood. Flashbacks were frightening but the nightmares were real. You could feel everything clear as day, hear the voices and sounds as vividly as when they had happened. And waking up was terrifying. Being ripped from what you thought was reality only to have no idea if it really happened or if you're still there and your mind is playing a trick on you.  

She still had her own nightmares sometimes. Running out into the street, the loud screeching of tires followed by the most agonizing pain she'd ever felt. Science said your body can't possibly remember pain accurately because you'd go mad but it her dreams she sure remembered. Even if her head had forgotten the severity of it her body sure hadn't. She'd wake up screaming and crying, her body sore and hurting as if she'd once again been pulled from under the wreckage.  

The doctors said it was a mere miracle she was alive. It sure hadn't felt like a miracle.  

A year and a half in physical rehabilitation, 13 years and numerus surgeries later she still hadn't been able to regain full motor function of her left hand. Looking back on it, this many years after the accident, she agreed she was luckier when most but sometimes she hated that her hand had its own will and from time to time refused to do what she told it to do. Not to mention the dull pain that was more often than not present. 

The buzzing of her phone brought her from her thoughts and setting down her cup of coffee in fear she'd drop it she grabbed the device off the counter.    
_“Board meeting tonight won't take as long as I thought. Care to meet up for a good fucking later? ;)_ _"_  

Always the charmer, Harper thought to herself with a smile as she typed out a reply only to stop halfway through by the guest bedroom door opening, revealing a soldier with a severe case of bed hair.    
“Morning.” She smiled, putting the phone down beside her. She'd finish the text later. “You sleep okay?”   
He nodded, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he approached her. Maybe he needed coffee in the mornings just as much as her.  

“Coffee's almost done. Pick a mug for yourself. If you want a new one I'll get it next time I go shopping.” She didn't mean to sound short but she couldn't help it. Her headache was getting worse and her left hand was starting to twitch ominously. 

He cautiously walked past her, never taking his eyes off of her but she didn't care at the moment. She just leaned her head against the cupboard behind her and closed her eyes with a sigh, she hated mornings like these.  

“Are you okay?”   
His question caught her by surprise but when she looked over at him his attention was on the different mugs and not on her.    
“Had trouble sleeping is all. I don't really function on less than seven hours of sleep a night- Dammit!” She shook her hand sharply in an attempt to make it stop. Too late she noticed him go rigid and swiftly back away from her. “Sorry. I'm sorry, I just...”    
She looked down at her hand and felt tears gather in her eyes as she tried to rub the appendage to make it loosen up.    
“It's my hand. It doesn't seem to work properly today.” She mustered a chuckle while trying to push away her frazzled feelings. He'd lost his entire arm for fuck's sake, now was not the time to get emotional about a few malfunctioning nerves or muscles or whatever they were.  

It took him a few moments of staring at her to relax again. Sure, he wasn't as dazed as he'd been before her freakout but he didn't seem ready to attack her anymore so it was a welcomed change nonetheless.   
“Does it to that a lot?” He asked, his morning-gravely voice soft as if uncertain he was allowed to ask.   
“Sometimes. Mostly when I'm stressed or tired.”    
“Is that what happened last night?”  

This time she was the one who tensed. Last night had been different from now, thinking about the accident always seemed to make it worse but last night had been the closest thing to a flashback she'd had in over a year. She'd been there again and she hated it.    
“Yeah.” She cleared her throat. “I didn't mean to scare you.”  

This time he thoroughly looked at her with a small lopsided smile on his even if it looked like it didn't quite belong there.  

“I've seen worse, ma'am.”    
“I'm sure you have.” She smiled but couldn't help glance at his metal hand gripping the counter a little tighter than before. “Sorry, that was really rude.”    
He took a deep breath and reached for a mug.    
“It's okay.”    
He placed it next to hers on the counter and poured them both coffee. Harper couldn't help but chuckle at the mug he'd chosen as his own. Thick black letters on white porcelain spelled: 'I drink coffee so you can have a nice day'. Although hers she had a feeling it suited him ridiculously well.    
“Thank you.” She said when he handed her hers and she made sure to grab it with her right hand, some of the fingers on her left were still twitching slightly.    
“What's your name?” She broke the comfortable silence brought on by him drinking coffee and her thinking.    
“What?” He looked up, eyes wide and anxious.    
“I don't have anything to call you. All I've got to go on is your profession and I'm not sure that's very healthy.”  

The silence that followed was anything but comfortable and Harper wondered if maybe she'd completely overstepped his boundaries.    
“It doesn't have to be your real name, it can be a nickname, anything really.”    
“I... I don't remember.”  

His words brought a shiver up her spine. He sounded so lost she just wanted to wrap her arms around him and make him okay again but knew she couldn't.    
“Nothing?” She asked hesitantly.    
He shook his head, the mask of indifference slipping onto his face.    
“Do you want me to find you one?” It was personal, it was intrusive and she felt like she was twisting a knife of discomfort further into him with her words but she had to do something. She hated the indifference, how he retreated into himself only to come back without emotions.  

Before he'd even given the barely visible nod Harper had already thought of, and dismissed, several names. They were either too long, too high sounding or too impersonal.  

She thought of names befitting a soldier, disregarding the most obvious one because it would just be weird. Roger, Connor, Hugh, Gerald, none of the names she came up with seemed to fit. Her hand went to the silver chain around her neck and the name slipped out before she could even comprehend it.  

“James...” She said. The reaction was immediate. The soldier's eyes snapped up to hers, disbelief clear in them.    
“Is that your name?” Harper asked and she couldn't help but hope she'd sparked something in his memory. “Is your name James?”  

For a moment he looked like he was about to shake his head but instead he stayed perfectly still, not making a sound.  

“Maybe it's not but it seems like you have some connection with the name. Would it be alright with you if I called you James?” She asked gently. “At least until you remember your real one.”  

He looked so deep in thought Harper wasn't sure he'd heard her. His eyes were closed and the frown on his face told her he was thinking hard about something, if it was a memory or something else she couldn't be sure but he didn't appear distressed so she allowed him to work through it in silence.  

The name meant so much to her she wasn't sure why she hadn't thought of it right away. Her father's name had been the obvious choice but she didn't need two Philips with PTSD in her life, one was more than enough.  

Another James however she was more than happy to have. She missed her godfather since she moved from D.C but she still kept in touch with him on a regular basis.  

Seeming to have returned from his thoughts the soldier once again looked at her, this time with a more determined look in his eyes.  

“It's fine.” He announced and Harper felt like a kid on Christmas morning. “'James' is fine.”  

  

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya people, creatures and everyone else!  
> New chapter is up, I'm so excited!  
> Thank you so much for all the comments, they've made me so happy and helped my days get even better!  
> Be sure to subscribe if you like the story so you don't miss anything ;)  
> Now, onto the chapter!

  

“So how does this work?”    
Harper looked up from her Ipad over to the man in the armchair. The man called James. The thought brought happy butterflies to her stomach.    
“How does what work?” She asked kindly, sending the email she'd been working on.    
“This.” He jerked his head vaguely. “U-us.” He clarified with a slight stutter when he received only a questioning look.    
“Well, I work from home so I'll pretty much always be around. If I'm not getting coffee or food you can usually find me in my office.”    
James nodded.   
“What do you do?”   
“I'm a researcher. People get in touch with me when they need to find information and are either too lazy or too busy to find it themselves. Normally I work about 8 hours a day, give or take depending on how many jobs I have.”   
“Oh.”   
She expected the normal questions 'is that even a real job?', 'no, so what do you really do?', 'how much do you make?' but he didn't dig further.   
“So what do I do while you work?”  

If he hadn't looked so lost Harper would have giggled at the small blush on his face.  

“Anything you want really.” She did her best to sound casual, like his question was no big deal. “You can shower, sleep, exercise, cook, bake, eat, clean, watch movies or read. My library, along with the rest of my apartment, is at your disposal. You can borrow my Ipad and research PTSD if you'd like to know more about it.” He looked a bit confused but still nodded.  

“I also have a couple of rules for when you're staying with me if that's okay with you.    
1\. No drugs unless prescribed by a doctor.    
2\. No answering my phone unless I ask you to.    
3\. If you eat or use the last of something let me know so I can buy it when I go out.    
4\. If you're gonna be out late or spend the night someplace else just send me a text or leave a note, do you have a phone by the way?”  

James shook his head and Harper started to make the connection to him not using words when he was being bombarded with information, as if speaking would make him unable to process it properly.  

“Then first thing's first.” She got up from the couch and went into the office. She pulled out the old shoebox where she kept her phones and grabbed one before putting the box back in its place and walked back out to the livingroom.   
“Here.” She reached him the phone. “It's a prepaid so the easiest thing is for you to call me or send a text and I'll call you back, save your minutes. Do you know how to use it?”   
Again James nodded, this time seeming more confident as if he prided himself for knowing.    
“Great!” She grinned, enjoying the way the confidence suited him. “My number's already in it so if you ever need to get a hold of me you can use it. Oh, and one last rule: No stealing from me.”    
“Do people actually steal from you?” He asked a little taken aback.    
“Sometimes. Some people who've been on the streets for a while think about their survival and if surviving means stealing they do it. Medical supplies are the most common but food and money are popular too.” She shrugged. It had been awhile since anything had gotten taken but it put a dent in her budget when it happened.  

“You'd think they'd be more grateful than that.” He spat out angrily as if he couldn't believe someone would do something like that.    
“Well, not everyone are as nice as you, James.” She winked at him even though it didn't not have the intended effect. Instead of a chuckle or even a small smile his jaw tightened and his eyes lost their warm glow.    
“I'm not a nice man.” He hissed, his voice laced with anger. “You don't know what I've done.”  

Harper felt her heart skip a beat but forced the calm into her system and managed to keep the smile on her face.  

“You've done nothing to me that suggests you are anything but, James.” He shuddered at her use of his name and she wasn't sure if it was good or bad. “You're right, I don't know what you've done but I believe in second chances. If I didn't you wouldn't be in my apartment having this discussion with me.”  

James seemed to relax ever so slightly but Harper wasn't sure if it was her words or her calm demeanor that had managed it, either way she was happy about the change.  

“Anyways, if you have any questions about anything at all please ask. Just make sure to knock if I'm in the office, I'm easily startled.” She tried to lighten the mood further but only got a nod in response again. She wasn't sure what else she could do so she just smiled at him, left the Ipad on the coffee table for him, poured herself another coffee and went to work.  

It was a quiet day without too many interesting jobs coming her way. By lunchtime she was starving and the only thing even remotely interesting she'd come across was trying to find information on how the Industrialism in the United States could have progressed the start of cosmetic surgery. It was a narrow subject and she'd had trouble finding anything useful so after about an hour of searching she'd taken a break to get something to eat.  

She walked out to find the refrigerator open with a James looking through its content. He looked so deep in thought he couldn't have noticed her yet.  

“You're hungry too?” She asked with a smile as she remained where she stood. She'd already freaked him out once today after all.   
He did jerk a little but not enough to reveal any anxiousness. He simply looked her way with a frown on his face.    
“You don't have much to eat, do you?”   
His voice was a welcomed change from the silence she'd left him in.   
“I don't eat much.” She answered as she approached him. “Guess I'll have to do some shopping unless we wanna live on pancakes for a week. I think there's some hamburger meat in the freezer and since it's Friday why don't we just order pizza tonight? 'Cause I really don't feel like leaving the apartment today.” She grinned at her own laziness, maybe Luke was right when he called her a shut-in.    
“Alright.” James said and took a couple of steps back when Harper moved to get the burgers from the freezer. “Do you need any help?”   
“Sure, you can get the buns from the cupboard over there if you want.” 

She nodded to her left and acted like she didn't notice him hesitate before walking passed her, less than a 4 feet away. She did however push herself into the counter to grant him some more space, touching was something he didn't appreciate and she wouldn't push him too far. Even if he didn't now he needed to know that he could say no if he didn't want to do something.  

  

“Wow, you sure know how to eat.” Harper couldn't help but comment as James dug into his fifth hamburger.   
“Is that a bad thing?” He asked, mouth full.    
“Not exactly, just means I'll have to do a lot more shopping in the future.” She said and added to herself under her breath. “And I'll have to seriously overlook my food budget.”   
“What?” He looked up and Harper quickly shook her head with a too bright smile.   
“Nothing. It's nothing, don't worry about it.” She couldn't believe she'd said that aloud, that wasn't his problem, nor should it be.  

He looked like he wanted to say something else but soon took another bite of his burger so he obviously didn't think it mattered. She'd have to be careful in the future, she didn't want him to start feeling guilty about staying with her, it wouldn't help anyone in fact it would only add to the list of troubles he already had.  

For the duration of the meal the subject of food and money was dropped completely and it was in awe Harper watched him finish his sixth burger only to sit back looking like he still had room for dessert. She'd been full after one and even if he was a muscly guy she still had no idea where he put all of it.  

He remained seated while Harper cleared the table but she didn't mind. If she'd just eaten six hamburgers she wouldn't be moving for at least a couple of days. She placed the dishes in the dishwasher but decided to leave the cleaning up for later, after all it was Friday and she wanted to get work done as quickly as she could.  

When she looked up James had moved from the table and was now sitting in his preferred armchair, all but staring at the Ipad in his hands, looking like he was trying to figure it out.  

“Do you want some help?” Harper asked as she approached him, making sure not to move too fast since he was concentrating. He looked up at her then down at the device again and nodded as he handed it to her.  

“Okay, so how much do you know about the Ipad?” She figured if he'd forgotten his name it was safe to assume he might not remember how to use the device.   
“Nothing.” He spoke like the word was acid on his tongue. “I don't remember.”  

“Okay, the basics it is.” Harper knelt on the floor beside him, granting him some space as she made a mental note to find out later how much he did remember but stayed focused on the Ipad for now.   
“It has a touch screen which means that instead of buttons and a keyboard you just touch the screen if you want to do something, see?”   
She moved her finger across the screen.   
“That's how you unlock it. Now, if you want to use the internet you touch this icon.”   
She opened the browser and looked to James to see if he was following. His eyes were wide in awe but he nodded to what she'd said so she continued.   
“Here's the address bar, you type anything you want to search for right there and then press SEARCH for it to search for what you were looking for and then you can browse through the results until you find something you like.”  

“O-okay, like what?” James looked both awed and confused.  

“Well, basically anything.” Harper shrugged, feeling like she was explaining this to either a senior citizen or a small child.   
“Say I want to look up, um... Information about gorillas. I type in gorilla and hit OK. Now we have about 70 million results, which is quite a lot but the most relevant results tend to be on the first couple of pages. From here you can touch the results like this.”   
She opened the Wikipedia one, figuring source criticism would have to wait until he was more advanced.   
“And voíla! You have loads of information on gorillas. And if you wanna go back you just tap here.” She did just that. “And you're back. You can look at anything as long as it's not porn, not that there's anything wrong with porn but not on my Ipad, okay?”  

She had expected him to look offended at this but he just looked confused and for a fleeting moment she wondered if he might not know what porn was. If he didn't he was truly a rare human being.  

“Any questions?” He shook his head, again entranced by the technology and Harper stood up to get back to work. “Oh!” She turned back to him. “And you should probably avoid anything that has to do with war or violence, basically anything you think could trigger you. I'd prefer it if you didn't have a flashback and I think you might agree.” She smiled softly and James nodded.  

“They're not exactly enjoyable.” He mumbled with a pained expression on his face.  

“I know. So let's try to avoid them for the time being, alright?” She wanted so badly to put her hand on his shoulder, to give him some sort of physical reassurance that she was there for him but pushed the impulse away as it would only hurt him and settled for another smile.  

“Well, I'm going back to work. Just knock if you need anything.”  

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? Two chapters in one day?! I'm on fire right now :D  
> Enjoy!

 

 

She left James to acquaint himself with the internet and hoped it didn't provided him with information that would trigger any nightmares or episodes.  

After a couple of hours she'd seen more images of cosmetic surgery than she, and especially her stomach, was comfortable with but had managed to gather some sources that might possibly, with a little imagination, tell the story about how the industrialism changed cosmetic surgery. She wasn't sure what her client, a college student, had been smoking when he came up with the subject for his report seeing as he was neither an engineer nor a doctor but she was getting paid so what did she care? She gathered the data she'd found, composed an email, included the attached files and wrote out a semi-apology for not being able to find much since it was such a narrow subject. She was good at that, writing what the recipient thought was an apology but what was really a remark about how useless a subject they had chosen. She usually didn't write them, as previously mentioned she did get paid to find information anyway, but sometimes she wondered if some people had no idea how to find a report- or a thesis-subject.  

She was about to turn off her computer when her phone rang. Her caller-ID showed a capital J and it was with a grin she answered the call.   
“Hey, Jay!” She said happily, twirling in her chair.    
 _“Angel!”_ The older man's voice sounded and as always it made Harper's smile even bigger. _“How is my favorite god daughter? I haven't heard from you in a while.”_    
“Things have been kinda hectic but I'm good.”    
 _“Work's keeping you busy, huh?”_ He chuckled making her do the same.   
“Among other things.” She grinned, trying not to think of the man in her living room. “So how are you?”   
 _“It's going good, I'm heading over to your mom and dad the day after tomorrow for Sunday-dinner.”_ Her smile took on a sadness it hadn't held before. _“I miss seeing you there, angel.”_    
“I know, Jay.” She leaned her head back to study the ceiling.    
 _“I know you've been doing great in New York and from what I can tell you're happier there than you were in D.C but it doesn't make it any easier, you know?”_    
“Yeah.” She sighed. “But I might come home for Thanksgiving if I don't have too much work keeping me.”    
 _“Yeah, yeah.”_ She could imagine him waving it off like he always did. _“Just make sure you take a break now and then, don't want you to work yourself to death.”_ His voice took on a serious note and Harper was once again grateful she had such an amazing man in her life.   
“I wouldn't dare, I know you'd fly over here, revive me and then give me the scolding of a lifetime.”    
 _“_ _And o_ _ne_ _for your father too since he won't be up in the air with me any time soon.”_   

Harper felt the breath hitch slightly in her throat, her dad had loved flying and now he couldn't even set foot in a plane without having an episode.  

“You know he loves you for that, right?” She smiled, clearing her throat.   
 _“I'd say so, I don't think he would have he named a kid after me if he didn't.”_ Jay laughed and Harper couldn't help but join him.   
“It wasn't the first kid though.” She reminded him.    
 _“Well, 'Harper' fits you better than it would have your sister, angel.”_  

She often missed his hugs, albeit less and less since she moved, and now was one of those times she just longed for one of his big bear hugs that he reserved for her and her father.  

“I love you, Jay.”   
 _“I love you too. I gotta go now, I'm going bowling with some VA-buddies.”_    
“You bowl?” She asked incredulously, she just couldn't picture it.    
 _“Hey, none of that. I will have you know I had the record for most strikes at The Alley Cat before the war.”_    
“Um, Jay that was like 40 years ago.”    
 _“True talent never dies!”_ He exclaimed dramatically making her laugh. _“Take care of yourself, angel.”_    
“You too. Bye.”  

She put the phone down on the desk after the call was disconnected, it had made her think about the rules she'd set up for James. He had been given a whole hell of a lot of information and she'd be surprised if he even remembered half of it so she decided to make it a little easier for him.  

It took no less than ten minutes to open a document, write down the rules and print them out. She studied her work and was really pleased with herself.  

“Harper's rules  

  1. No drugs unless prescribed by a (certified) doctor.  


  1. No answering my phone unless I ask you to.  


  1. If you eat or use the last of something let me know so I can buy it when I go out.  


  1. If you're gonna be out late or spend the night someplace else send me a text or leave a note so I know.  


  1. No stealing.”  



Underneath it she'd written “James' rules” and left enough space so he could write down some of his own if he wanted to.  

She turned off the computer for the weekend and walked out into the kitchen where she put the list of rules up on the fridge. This way he could easily find and add to them if he felt like it. She glanced over at the armchair where her roommate still sat, seemingly not having moved an inch since she'd left him after lunch. He seemed to have gotten the hang of the Ipad as he swiped and touched, completely focused on the device in his hands.  

Harper didn't want to disturb him, not when he was doing something he seemed to enjoy, but she still cleared her throat.  

He jerked a little and looked up from the Ipad with a confused look on his face.    
“I'm done with work.” She offered as an explanation before filling up a glass of water.   
“Already?” James asked and Harper realized he'd fallen into the timelessness that was the internet.    
“I've been in there for four hours.”  

He looked shocked by this and Harper couldn't help but chuckle.  

“Internet is very good at making you lose track of time. So what have you been doing while I've been slaving away in there?” She sat down on the couch, made herself comfortable and drank her water.  

He looked almost ashamed making Harper wonder if maybe he had looked at porn after all.  

“Look, whatever it is it's okay. I'm not gonna be angry if that's what you're worried about.”   
He relaxed and just looked more nervous than ashamed which was better even if she'd like him to be completely relaxed instead but baby steps, she reminded herself, baby steps.   
“I found this, um...” His voice dropped, nervousness ringing from every word. “This game.”   
Harper did a double-take.   
“A game?” She asked with raised eyebrows, making sure she'd heard him right.   
“Yeah. I didn't mean to but I was on that Wiki-thing and it just showed up out of nowhere. I tried to get rid of it but I ended up starting it and...” He looked away. “I couldn't stop, I'm sorry.”  

Had it been anyone else she would have laughed at how ridiculous the situation was but instead she just looked at him an amused smile.  

“It's okay, James.” She explained with a small chuckle. “I'm not angry, you did nothing wrong.” Relief spread through her when he relaxed further. “So what game did you play?” She asked after a moment of silence trying to make the atmosphere a little less tense.   
“I-I had a mission.”  He whispered. The pain in his voice was a stark contrast to the look of relief on his face.   
“What was the mission, James?” She wasn't sure what his mental state was after the previous comment so she kept her tone light and breezy, as if she was asking about the weather.   
“I was supposed to rescue these animals, trapped by colorful blocks.”  

Harper couldn't help but grin, he'd found Pet-rescue.  

“I know that one, it's a personal favorite of mine.” She explained when he didn't seem to understand why she'd be grinning. “Have you been playing that this whole time?”   
She made sure to keep anything he could interpret as judgment out of her voice.   
“I just couldn't seem to stop.” James admitted.  

“Can I see?” She asked, reaching out a hand to him and soon enough the Ipad was in her grasp. “Are you kidding me? How did you get this far in just four hours? This is miles ahead of where I'm at and I've been playing it forever.” She whined but couldn't help but smile at the look that settled on his face, something close to pride.   
“I guess I'm just good at that sort of thing.”   
“Well, you have to be or you wouldn't have gotten past me. I'm not so bad myself.” She grinned, handing the Ipad back to him. “Are you hungry?” She asked once he'd taken it back.   
He shook his head.    
“You?”    
“Not really but then again you really shouldn't try to keep up my eating-schedule, I think you'd starve.”  

He smiled and it made her heart feel lighter.  

“I'm gonna take a shower so why don't you just entertain yourself and I'll be right back and we can decide what we want to do tonight, alright?”   
“Alright.” He said and Harper was just about to get up when she remembered what she was supposed to tell him.   
“Oh, I put the rules up on the fridge so you don't have to ask if you forget them and I made room for any rules you might have. Figured it was fair, you having some rules of your own.” She winked before going to take her shower.  

30 minutes later Harper had stepped out of the shower and into her beloved Hufflepuff lounge pants, a tank top and an oversized cardigan. Friday night was always comfy night whether or not she had a shell shocked and traumatized amnesiac to spend it with.  

She wrung the water out of her hair one last time before putting it up in a bun and walking back out to James.  

He was standing by the fridge, looking at the list when she entered and Harper wondered if he had already written something or if he was about to. His head snapped up when he heard her but remained where he stood. There was almost a look of defiance on his face as he did so, as if challenging her to say something about it but she just moved to the couch and tried to ignore the piercing eyes following her every move. She'd noticed he tended to do that when he'd been alone for a while, almost as if he'd forgotten who she was and if he could trust her. She was however happy to find it took him less and less time to recognize her and relax but she knew she shouldn't be away from him for too long stretches of time yet. He needed to feel more secure with her and her home for that.  

“What do you say, movie or pizza first?” She asked, curling up in her corner of the couch, wiggling her toes to keep them from getting too chilly.    
James moved from the kitchen and sat down in the armchair that would forevermore be his.   
“I'm not hungry yet.” He said after a few moments of silence. Harper nodded her head.   
“Movie it is then. Got any requests?” She asked as she reached for the remote. Not surprisingly James shook his head.   
“Alright, then let's see what we've got.” She flipped through the different lists until she came across Mary Poppins. “What do you think?”  

James looked at the picture of Julie Andrews before glancing to Harper.  

“What's it about?” He asked, sitting rigid in his chair.   
“Okay, it's about two little kids in London. Their family is looking for a nanny and this woman named Mary Poppins shows up. She's really awesome and she kinda lifts the spirits in the family. It's a little difficult to explain in short terms but it's pretty PTSD-safe, there are some fireworks in a scene and some canon fire in some other but we can fast forward or mute the sound if it makes you uncomfortable.”  

James seemed uncomfortable already and Harper went back a screen to continue flipping through the movies.   
“We can pick something else if you'd like.” She said gently. “I don't mind, I've seen it a hundred times.”   
“...Does it have a happy ending?” James asked after a few moments of hesitation.   
“Yes. The family really comes together and everyone's very happy.” She assured and after another couple of moments James nodded.   
“Then let's watch it.”   
“You sure?”   
James nodded again and Harper started the movie. 

“I must warn you though, I might try to sing along in which case you can just glare at me and I'll stop. And if that doesn't work you can always throw a pillow in my face.” She laughed and tried not to be bothered by the look that settled on James' face, she didn't know what it was but it made her feel like maybe she'd said something she shouldn't have.  

 


	7. Chapter 7

“You lied.”   
James gruff voice made Harper look up from the credits.   
“I did? About what?” She asked worriedly.   
“That was not a happy ending. She left Jane and Michael.” His face may have been as stoic as ever but his voice was rough with some emotion Harper didn't even attempt to name.   
“Well, yeah.” She admitted, she'd always hated that aspect of the movie. “But look at it this way; she mended a fractured family and gave them the chance at independence before she moved onto the next family. It would almost be selfish if she stayed, don't you think?”  

James gave out a little huff that was uncharacteristically cute for such an intimidating man.  

“Sorry about the singing by the way.” She sighed as she stretched. “I told you to throw a pillow at me if I started.”   
Again she received a shrug.   
“It doesn't bother me.”   
“Wow, are you a rotten liar.” She chuckled throwing him a look that told him she didn't believe him for a second. “I know I can't carry a tune, no need for you to sugar-coat it.”  

And it wasn't just some bad self-esteem thing either, Harper Davies was all but tone-deaf which had come in handy in her youth when she wanted to annoy the crap out of her older sister who, unlike Harper, had an almost perfect pitch and who claimed the younger's singing was the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard.  

  

A knock on the door had Harper flying out of her seat, not because she was startled but because she was, for once, starving.   
“I'll get the pizzas.” She told James who had been about to get up but at her words remained in his seat. She grabbed her wallet for cash and opened the door but was surprised by a pair of green eyes looking down at her.   
“Adam.” Harper couldn't help but stare at the man who was in fact not carrying her pizzas. “What are you doing here?” She asked making the man run a hand through his blond hair.   
“I sent you a text this morning.” He answered with a confident smile.  

It took Harper a split second to process his words but once she did she felt like high five:ing herself in the face with a chair. 

“That I forgot to reply to, didn't I?”   
Adam quirked an eyebrow with a grin.   
“I thought you might have died or something.” He chuckled and his hands went to her hips to pull her closer. “But now that I'm here I'm not against staying for a bit.” He whispered in her ear making a shiver pass through her before she came to her senses and moved them both out into the corridor and closed the door to the apartment behind her.  

He didn't seem to mind terribly as he backed her up against it, kissing the side of her neck as his fingers found the hem of her top.   
“Adam, hold on.” She breathed out and pushed a little at his chest making him take a step back. “I actually have company tonight.”   
“Well, maybe she'd like to join us.” The blond chuckled but to his credit didn't advance on her again.   
“I really don't think he's your type to be honest.” Harper chuckled. “And he's a little opposed to touching either way.”  

Adam didn't react to the first part but the second part earned her a groan and another hand through his already messy hair.  

“Please don't tell me you've taken another project home.”   
“I've asked you not to call them that, they're people and they deserve as much respect as you and me.” She replied sternly and Adam knew he was treading thin ice.   
“How long is he staying?”   
“Until he's better.”   
“And how long is that gonna take?” His tone was getting frustrated and as always with him she didn't hold back for a second.   
“As long as it takes.” She'd raised her voice to match his and Lord knows it if they were about to get into a screaming match in the freaking corridor. “You know how important this is to me and if you can't at least keep your mouth shut about it we can just end this right now.” 

“Harper, I understand-”   
“No, you don't! Adam, you have no idea what it's like. I do and I'm not gonna stop helping people just because you don't like it.”   
“Alright.” Adam raised his hands in surrender and took a symbolic step back. “I won't bring it up again.”   
“Good.” She huffed, trying to bring her heart rate back down to normal again. “I don't wanna leave him alone yet but when I know more I'll tell you.”   
“Do you think you can still make it to my birthday party? I want you there and it will be good for you to meet some...”   
“If you say 'normal people' I'm gonna kick you in the head.” Harper glared at him making him chuckle.   
“I was gonna say 'new people'.”   
“Good.” She relaxed and reached out her arms for an embrace which Adam was not slow in giving her.   
“Take care of yourself.” He said, giving her a squeeze.   
“I always do.” She backed away and watched him leave before she took a deep breath and entered the apartment again.  

  

James was not where she'd left him. 

His chair was empty and the apartment was eerily quiet.  

_Please God_ _tell me he didn't get triggered by the_ _yelling_ , she prayed, something reserved only for when someone was either dying or having a flashback.  

“James?” She called out, trying to remember how to breathe properly. She glanced at the knife block on the counter and was relieved to find all the knives there, so if he had a weapon it wasn't one of hers at least although that last thought did nothing to calm her down. Why hadn't she been more careful? She behaved so differently with Adam than she did with her “projects” as Adam called them, urgh she hated that word beyond anything!  

“James, where are you?” She didn't dare move too far from the door, her proximity to it might be the only thing that insured her safety if James believed her to be a threat.  

She heard steps coming from his bedroom and she backed closer to the door, hand on the doorknob, ready to run for her life when he appeared in the doorway.   
“Did you say something?” He asked casually and Harper felt herself finally able to breathe again. He hadn't snapped.   
“I was just wondering where you were.” She chuckled in an attempt to hide the lingering panic in her voice. “I was worried something had happened.”   
“I just went to get you something.” He walked up to her and she had to fight with every fiber of her being to stop herself from flinching as he reached out his hand to her. Her adrenaline was still pumping, her flight reflex still operating on full, as she reached out a shaking hand so he could drop what he had without having to touch her. She'd reached him her left hand so she could blame the shaking on it, she'd learned it was the best way to trick her dad so maybe it would work with James too.  

A bunch of crumpled up dollar bills dropped into her hand and she was shocked enough for her flight reflex to lessen.  

“James, what is this?” She asked, straightening out the bills, doing the rough math in her head.   
“The food.” He said. “You said something about you needing more money since I eat a lot.”   
Harper felt the color drain from her face, why couldn't she have just kept her mouth shut? 

“This is almost 200 dollars, James. Where did you get it?”   
He said nothing to that, just met her eyes with a look that told her it didn't matter. She knew that look, had seen it many times before on people she'd helped.   
“You stole it, didn't you?” She asked even if it was mostly rhetorical. “I don't want stolen money.”  Without thinking she grabbed a hold of his flesh hand and shoved the rumpled bills into it. Too late she realized her mistake and even though it hurt to see him go rigid she desperately tried not to pay it any attention.   
“No stealing, from me or anyone else.” She said sternly, staring at him like he wasn't able to snap her like a twig. “That's one of my rules and I never want to hear or see anything about you stealing again, is that clear?”  

She would suffer from a minor anxiety attack later when she'd come down and realized she'd all but picked a fight with a traumatized soldier over a couple of hundred dollars, but now she was staring him down like she was his commander.   
“When did you steal them?” She asked and to her surprise James answered her right away.   
“Three weeks ago.”  

Harper sighed, after three weeks there would be no use to turn the money into the police. Looking at James she only now realized he was basically standing at attention, his gaze steely and firmly focused on the wall behind her head. She cursed herself for reacting the way she had, arguing with Adam made her lose her composure completely.  

“At ease, soldier.” She said the words that she knew worked with Luke, hoping to all that she held sacred that it would have the same effect on him.   
He flinched but immediately after relaxed, as if he had two different ways to respond and he hadn't been sure which one to choose.  

“It's too late to turn in the money so we're gonna keep them.” She sighed. “But they'll be for buying you clothes, not food. I have enough money for that and you need more clothes or you're gonna be in trouble on laundry day.”  

James, having shook off the emptiness from before, now just looked frustrated. It put Harper slightly on edge but he seemed to turn it on himself more than her so she didn't worry too much yet.  

“I want to repay you.” He said, his tone of voice both insistent and hesitant. She'd noticed he often did that, say things like he was so sure of them one second and then as if he had no idea where they'd come from.  

Harper let his words sink in. She figured it was only fair but she wondered what he could do. He obviously didn't have a job, and was by no means fit enough to get one, and most things around the apartment was no big deal for her to do so she had to rack her brain to come up with something.  

As she delved deeper into her mind, trying to figure out something for him to do, the doorbell rang announcing the arrival of their dinner.  

She paid the delivery guy what she owed plus a ten dollar tip, kicked the door closed and set the pizzas and their dessert down on the kitchen counter before turning back to James. 

“Can you cook?” She asked and it took a few seconds for James to realize she'd spoken, he was as starving as she was and the smell wasn't helping.   
“I guess.” He shrugged almost as if silently adding _How hard can it be?_.   
“Then I have a deal for you. I let you stay here for free if you take care of the cooking from now on. I love food and hate cooking so it's I'm the one getting a sweet deal here.” She grinned at him. “What do you say?” She wanted to reach out her hand to seal the deal but judging by how he'd reacted to her touching she settled for a chuckle. “Do we have a deal?”  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to leave kudos and subscribe if you want more ;)


	8. Chapter 8

The following weeks passed quietly without any bigger incidents. Harper still wasn't sleeping as well as she'd liked and James had had a couple of rough nights but other than that they were doing okay.  

As per usual on Sundays she did her morning yoga, trying to focus her body and mind even if it had proven a little more difficult than usual what with James staring at her all the way through. Making sure James was occupied with saving pets or searching for recipes on the Ipad she sometimes left the apartment around noon to grocery shop and to occasionally pick him up some new clothes. It wasn't much but soon enough he had a few long sleeved Henleys, he preferred those to tee shirts, a hoodie, more underwear, sweatpants and a pair of pajama pants. It was at times like this Harper wished she had a car but the buss worked well enough even if the backpack with groceries nearly killed her back.  

By his third week James had gotten restless, the Ipad no longer keeping him as entertained as before and he could only cook for so many hours a day and when Harper had gotten tired of his pacing she'd all but jammed the first book she could find into his hands.  

He had remained seated and calm for the rest of that day.  

The following day Harper had made sure to bring out Roald Dahl's collected works for him and even if the look on James face made it seem like he was against reading children's books he was soon engrossed in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Harper couldn't tell you just how happy she was to find he was a reader and spent the nights when she couldn't sleep thinking of new books to recommend him. He soon had two 3 foot piles of everything from Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, and Dragon Rider to A Christmas Carol and books on how to deal with PTSD, in his room and on the top of one of the piles there was a freshly purchased leather journal.  

Harper had seen it at the mall that day and had figured now was as good a time as any for him to get a journal going.  
He however refused to see the point of it, refused to see how it could possibly help him get better even after she'd explained how writing down nightmares and thoughts could aid him in figuring things out.  
“It's like having a therapist listen to you talk about the things you've been through.” She said after another annoyed huff from James. “Except this way you can keep them to yourself and not having to worry about what anyone else thinks.”  
“I don't want to talk about it.” James gruffly insisted. “It won't do me any good.” He eyed the book on the table wanting nothing but to get back to it.   
Harper sighed, rubbing her temple and wondered why she didn't have a mug of coffee in her hand for this conversation.  
“Putting words on what you feel and dream helps you work through the trauma.” She pushed, this was one thing she would not let up on. “Until you start putting some work in you won't recover, James.”  
“You think it's that easy?” His voice was cold and it made Harper want to crawl into her shell and never come out but she tried to stay strong. “You think I write down a dream and I'll suddenly be a better man?!” The volume of his voice rose with every word and if she never heard it again it would be too soon. She could see his metal hand tightening, heard the mechanical jarring and images of that hand crushing her bones into dust flashed through her head.  
“I-I know dealing with the emotions after a trauma is terrifying.” Her voice was shaking even though she tried to keep it steady. “You're afraid of how they will affect you, if they will trigger you into doing something you don't want to do or cause even worse nightmares.”  
“Oh, you know?!” He roared making her flinch.   
“I know. And I also know that if you don't deal with those feelings you will never be more than you are now, unable to sleep at night and forever afraid of your own shadow!”

If there was ever a time to fear a snapped neck it was now.

James' eyes went wide and she could literally see the anger bubbling out of every pore before he shot up from his seat and sent the coffee table flying across the room.    
Despite her every effort to keep quiet Harper let out a shriek as the wood shattered against the floor and his metal hand pulled her from the couch by the collar of her hoodie.    
She'd never seen such fury in anyone's eyes before and tried to cower away from him only to find she couldn't move. Her body was frozen solid, awaiting the first blow.    
The tightening of his hand made her whimper pathetically and without knowing what she was doing she brought her hands up to his.   
She didn't try to pry it off, she would never be strong enough for that, she just touched the cold metal in a way she hoped wouldn't seem threatening and fought past her fear to look him in the eye.   
“I-I just want to help you, James.” She croaked out, the vice grip on her collar starting to cut off part of her air supply.  

She didn't know what deity intervened but he seemed to come back to his senses even if the fury remained. He let her go and though she stumbled back she managed to keep herself upright. He didn't even look at Harper as he passed her and it wasn't until she heard the door slam shut that the panic surfaced. She sank to the floor in tears, shaking all over and trying to stop the hyperventilating, she was lightheaded and so terrified she couldn't do anything but sit there on her knees in the middle of her living room trying to get her panic under control.  

  

She didn't know how long it took for her breathing to return to normal and the panic to subside, for all she knew it could have been hours, rain was smattering against the windows and she was both emotionally and physically drained.  
Somehow she managed to get up off the floor and into the shower. Too exhausted to stand she managed to angle the shower head before she curled up in the corner of the shower and allowed the scolding water to kiss her body as she slipped further away from the present.  
When her skin felt numb enough she got out, doing a poor job of toweling herself off before she dragged herself to bed. She managed to pull herself together for long enough to drink all the water in the glass on her nightstand and allowed herself to fall into the darkness that was sleep.  

  

  

The following morning she woke up freezing, completely out of it with a headache that almost rivaled the hangover she'd experienced in college before she vowed never to drink that much ever again.  
As if in a daze she managed to get dressed even though her brain didn't cooperate in the slightest and staggered out into the kitchen. The sun shining brightly through the windows did nothing to ease her headache as she went about to make a cup of tea. She craved coffee to wake up but knew from experience that that much caffeine the morning after a panic attack didn't sit well with her so settled for tea.  

She had trouble remembering when she'd last had an attack. Her dad had most likely been involved in some way which meant she'd had to have been home but she just couldn't pinpoint it. Her head was screaming in protest and she leaned her forehead against the cool fridge, feeling the pain subside somewhat. She turned her head to glance at the list beside her. James' list of rules was still as blank as ever and she had half a mind to crumble it up and throw it in the trash. Wasn't like it made a difference now. 

But for some reason she couldn't do it, couldn't just reach out and get rid of it. Albeit blank she felt like she would be destroying something important to him, something that grounded him and she couldn't do that. For her it would be the same as taking Elmo away from Luke.  

Moving from the fridge Harper got her cup of tea and slumped down on the couch. Drinking the hot beverage she glanced at the mess that last night had been her coffee table and was now more or less a pile of firewood.  
Like with the list she considered just throwing it out. Buy a new table, forget this one even existed but after some deliberation she let go of that thought. She didn't want to throw it out, she wanted to fix it. Make it whole again.  
She chose to ignore just how telling this was of her life. She was a fixer, not a disposer.   
Which was why she soon found herself on the floor, armed with more tea, a hammer, nails and a glue gun, trying to put the poor table back together. She'd managed to glue the crack running the length of the wood and was about to work on the leg that was worst off (cause why start with the easiest one when you can make it difficult for yourself?) when she thought she heard something by the door.  
She stopped what she was doing and listened, but the only thing that followed was silence so she went back to work. Soon enough though came a clear knock on the door and this time Harper put down the hammer to get up.  

She was both surprised and not to see James on the other side of the door, looking like he'd had a rough night as well, shirt soaked and his damp hair hanging into his eyes.  
“Hey.” His voice was rough and Harper felt her body tensing as she could feel the ghost of his hand at her collar once again cutting off her air supply.  
“Hi there.” She said not even bothering to keep the raw emotion and exhaustion out of her voice.  

For what felt like ages they remained in the doorway, James' eyes looking everywhere except her face and Harper staring straight at him, refusing to speak first.  

She could tell he was no longer angry, everything from his slumped shoulders to his inability to look her in the eye told her that but it didn't stop her from wishing she'd brought the hammer to the door. Based on the strength he'd displayed last night it probably wouldn't help her but it might have made her feel a little safer.  
“I'm sorry.” He lifted his eyes and somehow managed to keep eye contact with her as he spoke. “I'm so sorry.”  
He wrapped his arms around himself and it was first now Harper noticed he was shivering. He had left the apartment on a rainy night in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt and had obviously not stolen a jacket or money to buy himself one so he must be freezing.  

As Harper's mind processed this information she could feel something growing in her. That need that made her give away her money to the homeless when she barely had enough to eat herself. The need that in her childhood made her take in stray animals and nurse them back to health and give them a good home. The need she'd tried convincing herself would get her into serious trouble some day.  
The need to rescue the world as her sister so poetically put it.  
“You're freezing.” She sighed feeling herself give into her soft heart. “Take a shower and put on some dry clothes, I'll get you something to eat.”  
She stepped aside to let him in but couldn't help flinch when he passed her, a pained look flashing across his face when he noticed.  

  

Once he was in the shower Harper felt the breath return to her lungs.  
She hated the fear, hated not feeling safe in her own home. It was the reason she'd left D.C to go to college in the first place, she was tired of feeling like everything she did could be a possible trigger and get her hurt.  
She got some of the food from last night and heated it up in the microwave. While she was waiting for it to get warm she grabbed her phone, stuffing it in her pocket. She wanted to be close to it if something were to happen again.  
From the looks of things he was as exhausted as she was which could either be really good or really bad. Good because he might be too tired to flip, bad because it might make it easier for him to combined with the fact that Harper had never been very good at keeping her words and temper PTSD-proof when she was this tired.  
She threw a glance at the coffee table, knowing she wouldn't get anymore work done on it any time soon and grabbed her cup to make herself some more tea. God, she wanted coffee so bad!  

She heard the sound of someone clearing their throat and looked up to find James in the doorway, dressed in dry clothes even if his wet hair was dripping, he obviously hadn't bothered doing anything but wringing it out.  
It took a beat for Harper to realize he was waiting for her permission to move, something she was grateful for. She nodded at him and he padded across the floor on bare feet, hesitating by the kitchen counter, waiting for another okay before he sat down.  

The comfortable silence they had fallen into over the last few weeks was gone, replaced by an awkward air that made the apartment feel unusually stuffy. James was back to staring anywhere but at her and it frustrated Harper to the point of wanting to raise her voice to him. She swallowed the impulse though by getting his plate from the microwave and placing it on the counter, she almost felt a little bad about sliding it over to him because she didn't want to accidentally touch him.   
She wasn't ready for that yet.  

James made a failed attempt to hide the emotions on his face as he stared at the food in front of him. He looked lost, conflicted, like he didn't know his right from his left anymore.  
“Eat.” Harper ordered tiredly before sipping her tea in an attempt to occupy herself. “You must be hungry.”  
“Stop.” His voice was no more than a whimper but it still made her flinch as if he'd yelled at her. “Please just stop.” His blue eyes met hers but didn't stay there for long, flitting across her face as he attempted to find the words he was searching for. “Stop being nice to me.”  
Harper couldn't even find it in her to react to his words, just stared blankly at him as she brought the cup to her lips again.  
“I don't deserve it.” He started fidgeting with one of his sleeves and it was strange just how much more human it seemed to make him. “Not after what I did... What I could have done to you.” He was on the brink of tears by the end of the sentence. “I-I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just-”  
“Couldn't control what you were doing.” She finished the sentence for him. “I've heard it before, James, and I understand.” She ran a hair through her hair, feeling her headache worsen as her feelings did. “You couldn't control your reaction and that's exactly why you need to let me help you. Because next time you snap you might not just leave a bruise, you could kill me and as much as I want to help you I will keep myself safe, even if that means breaking off contact with you.”  

Tears started falling down his face, heart wrenching sobs shaking through his body at her words.  
His breathing started picking up speed and by the panic in his eyes he'd obviously never experienced anything like it before. He wasn't able to get enough air and crumbled to the floor in panic but before it could turn into a full-blown anxiety attack Harper's sense of survival had flown out the window as she rushed to his side and grabbed a hold of his shaking hands.  
He jerked at the physical contact but the sheer panic in his eyes begged her to make it stop so she didn't let go.  
“James, look at me. Keep your eyes on me.” Despite his distress he managed to do as she asked. “Good. Now try and calm your breathing, do what I do.” She took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds before letting it out. He tried to do the same but wasn't even able to fill his lungs with enough air to hold.  
“I cant-I can't-” He wheezed and Harper stroked her thumbs over his hands.  
“It's okay.” She assured with a gentle smile that would make her mother proud. “Try again, you'll get it.”  
She repeated the breathing with him a few more times and for every time he managed to get a little more oxygen into his lungs.  
“You're doing really good, James.” She praised as his panic started to subside a bit. He was sweating and his damp hair was clinging to his face. She was so into comforting him she didn't even realize she'd reached up and wiped the hair out of his face until she'd already done it.  
His eyes went wide but he didn't jerk away, just went rigid. Most likely frozen in shock or fear, she didn't know which and it unnerved her greatly.  
“I'm sorry.” She apologized softly, breaking the physical contact completely as if that would take back what she'd done. “I won't do it again, alright?”  
Her words seemed to get through to him and the tension in his body left him like a balloon slowly letting out air. 

She gave him a few moments once he'd calmed back down again before she got up to get him a glass of water. A sudden vice-like grip closed around her right wrist making her cower away and James let go as soon as he'd realized what he'd done.  
“I-I'm sorry.” He stuttered, staring at her with eyes that could have belonged to a frightened puppy. “Just... Please don't leave me.” He all but begged. “Not yet.”  
Harper's heart was racing but she nodded her head and lowered herself to the floor again, making sure to keep enough space between them.  

  

“I'll do it.” He breathed later that day when they were curled up in the armchair and on the couch, watching but not really paying attention to a documentary on Gothic architecture. “Anything you want me to do, I'll do it.” He said more determined. “I want to get better.”  
She looked at him with a tired smile and gave him a nod.  
“Alright. We'll start as soon as we're both feeling better.”  

  

Unbeknownst to Harper, laying in his bed that night the soldier thought about the news report he'd seen on one of the many tabloids thrown away on the streets: _“Captain America sighted in New York. How long will he stay? Your guess is as good as ours.”_  
As much as he'd wanted to leave last night he knew that the woman’s apartment was the safest place to stay and despite feeling guilty, which was a new emotion for him, he also wanted to undo any harm his outburst had caused her.  
If going along with her strange ideas was going to accomplish that he'd do it, she was his best way to avoid the Captain for now.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love and support, darlings! I appreciate each and every one of you <3  
> Hopefully you'll like this chapter and please let me know if you do, or if you don't, any comments really :P


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